Okay, is it something I ate?
Is it in the chocolate milk I've been having lately?
What is IT?
Both my Bishop, in recent months, weeks, and days, and then today my psychiatrist, have both commented on a positive demeanor that I'm exhibiting? They say it with things that indicate it's both different than they've seen me in the past, and a positive change as well . . .
Both of them seemed to see or feel it as something they couldn't quite put their finger on . . . They would look at me, upon first seeing me whenever, and remark on it, and look at me a bit quizzically or as if they were trying to bring something into focus. They both were curious about it.
I'm not sure what to say when they (or if others chime in with this too when I see them) say and do this; was it my shampoo?
Actually, it may be just the fact that I've recently showered. Embarrassing as it is to admit, when you are depressed you just don't do that much self-care. So, whenever I'm showered, I feel good. If we're going out (which is 85% of the time why I shower, and I'm kinda a hermit so . . . well this is where having a regular therapy appointment helps me be not an ugly stinky witch) then I get dressed in something other than my, just for around the house duds or pajamas. This makes me feel good too. At least, as good as someone my size can feel.
But really, is it just being showered and dressed for going out? I know getting sunshine is part of it (since I can go many weeks in a row with just going out for therapy). But would just sunshine, shower, and clothes do it?
I don't know. I'm kinda confused by it. Yeah, I could over-analyze, but if I knew WHY, then I could replicate it.
When my psychiatrist inquired about it, I said, "I don't know; my church disciplined me and that was hard, but now I feel I'm moving forward and that is becoming my past, so maybe that's it?" She seemed to think it could be, but she was curious about the discipline thing so I told her about it, with the harsh sentence and everything.
What she went on about then, well, I'll post soon about my appointment, cause . . . I never expected anything like this appointment happening.
Positive demeanor. Multiple people noticing it and commenting on it. My shrink doesn't even know me that well, in my opinion, so there must be something noticeable.
Wish I could bottle it, whatever it is!
The other day when the Bishop was outside, I go out and up the stairs to greet him, and then realize I'm in my short pajama bottoms (a few inches above the knee, I've never been through the Temple and so I don't wear garments, but it's still a modesty thing) and yank down on the legs. He said I was fine, and then he looked at me in the face and mentioned the demeanor thing, and looked at me quizzically like, trying to figure something out. So it's not the clothes.
I can tell you that the last time I saw him, I surely did not have a positive demeanor; going in front of four brethren of the Church, to have them sit in judgment over you, to talk about really embarrassing things to, does not lend itself to a positive demeanor, even if one of the men there (not the Bishop) tells you you should be happy to be there. I thought, "What planet is he on?" and just kept quiet. But that's rude, and I've been taught not to speak ill of the brethren. Well, this isn't ill, it's just the facts.
Edited to add: You know, maybe it's getting out of the house more often. Or perhaps going out with just my husband at all, let alone often . . . My daughter has been at a Girl's Camp our church does, this week, and we've had alot of us time, which we need. She's old enough now that we can go out for 2-3 hours and come home, but I always feel guilty about going out without her because since we don't go anywhere much, neither does she, and she's always eager to go for a drive, or go somewhere. So this means my husband and I get pretty much no "us" time, which we sorely need, and is probably one reason our marriage deteriorated . . .
Balance is something I don't do well, or even poorly. I'm awful at it.
Anyway, this week might explain the positive demeanor compliments this week; I'm not sure what the last couple months of this occasional comment by my Bishop might be related to. Except there was something related to angels, which was really cool.
No, I'm not crazy, and no I'm not going to talk about it.