Why am I so upset about the group therapy?
It's not the end of the world if I'm faced with something unpleasant about myself, however awful it feels or seems.
It's not the end of the world if I feel as though I was manipulated by the psychiatrist. Would it have been better if she hadn't done so? (If she actually, intentionally did; manipulation is in the intent.)
Is it any surprise to me that she's insensitive, dominant, strong in her opinions, outspoken about them, and has a definite idea of what she feels is best?
Put that way, no, no it's not.
It's never fun to be receiving such things, from a doctor no less, and even more difficult to bear, from a psychiatrist.
Still, I can discount some of her "authority" by thinking of the above things that should not surprise me anymore. Why would I put alot of weight on what someone like that says, if it's not specifically medically related? Ie, if it's not medical advice she's giving me but therapeutic (both are medical in their way but I think you know what I mean).
So regardless of how she was, as I discussed in my last post, I can follow the chain of thoughts that led me to a very bad place, to a very . . . difficult view of myself to approach, let alone investigate. That makes it hard for me to discount anything, and so leaves me with a feeling similar to the picture up above.
I feel kind of like it would be healthiest for me to set aside this difficult, painful view of self for awhile and just keep on plugging away, step by step, at improving. It's hard though because this thing wants to pull out the rug from under me and just bring everything crashing down.
Perhaps I'll gain some more perspective and/or distance from it in therapy tomorrow. I feel like I've already gotten a little, as I'm not flailing around emotionally, as much as I was.
Still, I really do not need another really bad thing to think about myself, when I get suicidal, to pile on top of the other really bad things I think about myself.
Life however doesn't care how many bad things come your way, it just goes on. So I need to as well, hopefully putting this in a better place.