Across and Inside my Universe

Hypo- Not Hyper- Thyroid

The ob/gyn's office made a mistake and told me I was hyperthyroid, they even told my GP's office I was hyperthyroid, but the test result actually means low thyroid, when the TSH is high, the actual thyroid hormones (T3? and T4?  I don't know) are low.  So they allowed somebody who doesn't know what they are doing, to interpret the result, which is rather bad medicine . . . . I spent over a week thinking I had Grave's, since I have so many other symptoms that fit, and I had an episode on Sunday where I was flushed and was really hot for awhile and itchy and couldn't take being in a room that everyone else said was only a little warm.

I told my doc about all these Grave's-ish symptoms, the above and what I listed in the last post, except maybe the agitation, even though I'm low thyroid, because he should know about the other symptoms.

So it's a bit of a relief, low thyroid isn't as harsh or severe, although I'm a bit annoyed that the ob/gyn PA didn't do the more extensive thyroid bloodtest I'd requested, she only tested the TSH level.  I've been reading that it's important to request and get the full set of numbers, but some people won't run them.  

Still, I feel kinda cool about the fact that I'm the one who caught this low thyroid, they didn't think to test it, and I feel relieved it's not the more serious Grave's disease, though I wonder why the other symptoms.

Hopefully, they say within a week I'll feel the medication working, hopefully I'll feel less tired and less depressed.

I May Have Grave's Disease

I have had alot of medical appointments this year, many of them involving the gastroenterologist.  He did alot of blood tests last December, but not a thyroid test, so at my physical this week, after a friend had suggested, "Get your thyroid tested," I decided it would be a good idea for a couple of reasons.

One, it's been ten years since it's been tested.  Two, it affects alot of systems, so I thought it would be good to rule it out as being the cause of anything that's been going on this year.  I'm not a doctor, obviously, but I figured a physical is a good time to get things checked out and rule things out, so I figured why not dot one more I, cross one more t.

My friend had suggested the thyroid test, but the more extensive one as she had read that the regular one comes back falsely negative 75% of the time.  I don't know if I believe that, and when I mentioned that to the pa doing my physical (I thought I was going to be seeing the doc but I guess not) she didn't either.  I don't know which thyroid test they did, but they did one.

Lo and behold, my results are high, and apparently they are rather high.

I've looked on Web MD and Grave's disease is the most common reason for hyperthyroidism, though there could be other reasons, however, given my other symptoms, I suspect it will turn out to be Grave's, which is the immune system attacking the thyroid and the thyroid responding by putting out too much stuff.

The excessive sweating I've previously posted about, with picture, here.

Read the first paragraph or two of the post about being agitated and rapid mood changes, here.

Read the first half of the post, here. About gastrointestinal, being hungry and eating a ton and not gaining weight, losing a bit, I think I lost 10 to 15 pounds, and I was so freaking hungry and just eating eating eating . . .

Just now a few minutes ago as I discovered that agitated post it hit me in a new light, I was like oh my gosh NOW I understand why that summer and fall I was so extra agitated and switching moods like you switch your lights on and off . . . I put it like feeling like a stretched overused bungee cord, just feeling so used and exhausted by it, I didn't mention it to anybody not even my therapist because I didn't understand that something medical or mental illness or both was going on, I thought it was just ME!

This is a big problem with me, is that I don't mention pertinent things to doctors and therapists, apparently important things, because I think they are just ME, they don't register with me as things of note, they FEEL like me, you know?  But when you are in them there is some part of you that is like, wait this is weird . . . .  but it gets subsumed by the sheer force of what you are experiencing . . .  It gets drowned out by by pummeling of what you are enduring because you are drowning in this output I guess of what the thyroid is putting out, but you don't know that, you are living it and enduring it and it just feels like what you are, and when you already have mental illnesses you just think it's a part of them . . . .

I'm feeling bad that I didn't realize, that I didn't wake up from my stupor of my life to point this out to anybody, it seems obvious in retrospect but like I say you end up getting overwhelmed by it and you just keep floating through your life on the wave of agitation or emotional switching to the next mood, the next day, and you don't THINK about it, you are too TIRED to think about it because it is so DRAINING . . . . you are so tired physically and mentally and emotionally . . .

Which is a part of it too, it just drains you.  Being so tired, alll the freaking time.  Being so so so so so absolutely tired.

Yes I know I'm assuming I have Grave's, it may be another type of hyperthyroidism, I'm open to that, but I have so many symptoms of Grave's, and the majority of hyperthyroidism are Grave's . . . it is not like I want it, but I think chances are high.

The eye pain and itching too.

The rare rare only once to a couple times a year pounding heart with skipping beat, though it hasn't happened in over a year I think.

The sweating has calmed down the last year or two though.

The thing is the sweating started 8-9 years ago, maybe ten, and my thryoid was normal ten years ago . . . the sweating started when I started Effexor, and I thought maybe it was serotonin syndrome?  I told my first psychiatrist about it but it may have been a substitute, he was on leave for being disciplined by the state board, so I don't know if the actual psychiatrist actually ever learned about it or dealt with it.

Anyway we'll see, the gynecologist I had the physical with doesn't deal with this stuff I'll be seeing my GP for this to investigate further so later this week we'll see what is up, they are forwarding the test results on.

I'm In For a Slew of Medical Tests

You know how they say watch out for changes in bowel habits, and losing weight for no reason, and a variety of other symptoms that might go with that?  Well, I've been sick for the last few months, and I've got some test results back that rule out just taking a pill to fix it . . . . darn.

No one's given me a diagnosis yet, no one's even called me with the test results yet I've signed in through the patient portal for the first time just signed up with that the other day (btw, YOU try giving a "sample" when your bathroom is being torn up by the landlord; just try, I dare you, it's a big pain to even think of it).

I feel icky it comes and goes.  There's bruising that shows up on my upper right abdomen and I'm guessing that's where what I'm guessing now is a possible partial bowel obstruction . . . not that I can diagnose myself, but my doctor did say if the giardia and stool cultures didn't show anything he'd send me to the gastroenterologists . . . . and with other symptoms this is what I'm guessing but I suppose diverticulitis or other itis's or other things it could be anything from Cancer to who knows.

No cramping though.

I'm so tired of this, just so tired.  Oddly though when not feeling icky, even sometimes when, I'm so frickin' hungry, yeah I get full feeling in my stomach but my bowels just aren't absorbing the nutrients or calories or whatever like they should I guess or I'd not be losing weight, I should be GAINING the way I'm snacking and eating.

Man, I'm hungry.  Starting to have Charlie horses . . . well, one doesn't make 'starting', a trend, yet, but I heard you have those when you are lacking maybe calcium or other things . . . . hope it's not a trend, but my gut and the rest of me just feels so  . . . stripped, so  . . .ugh . . .

It is kind of scary.  Okay, not kind of, because of it doesn't get fixed, this doesn't end well.  I'm rather overweight, so there's some margin for error but I know that's not entirely so the body needs nutrients it is not just about calories, here.

Anyway, I don't know how many or what kind of tests and/or procedures they need to do, nor how I will get to them, but I am guessing they can not all be scheduled for after my husband gets off work.  I have few resources for getting to such appointments, but it is not like this is optional.

Why blog about this stuff it's not pretty . . . well, I'm worried.  

However, this stuff all started long before the Latuda.  I'm taking Latuda 40mg for the mania, but this gastrointestinal stuff started in the middle of the psychotic stuff, about a week or less than a week after I really went off the deep end.  So all sorts of stuff went on then, but it was five weeks after that before I started the Latuda, so that didn't cause this problem and as far as I know, isn't contributing.  I'm not a doctor, though.

I am scared, though, this is one of those things that could be a whole host of things, and as frightened as I am of possibly going in an MRI again at least I suspect, that for abdominal stuff, they'd probably put me in feet first.  I can't go in head first unless they knock me out, or unless I'm dead.  Any other way isn't going to work.

But people can die from wasting away, which I think can be what happens from the body not getting what it needs from the digestive system/input as is seeming to be the case here.  I must be getting something or I'd not be continuing to function.

I guess we'll see how it goes.  I just don't know how I'll get to these appointments, what if they want three different tests on two different days, and I don't have a way to get th ere?  One can work some things out but as this stuff goes on and on, what if it's like ten or fifteen tests down the road, people will get used up looong before then so I really don't know what I'll do.

Well, that whole last post is a symptom.

Ugh.  Should I even be posting in my current shape?

I dunno.  It's like . . . . psychologically spreading your . . . .  well . . . anyway, for the whole world.  Not the best analogy.

On the other hand, I'm kind of curious about how the brain breaks down, sometimes, and it's not like this is sexual . . . . but the brain is kind of a personal thing . . . so . . . I dunno, maybe it's too much, here, and it's not like my judgment is in perfect shape.

I suppose I can always take down later.

I AM curious about the way things are working and not working.  I suppose I am making a big to do about nothing, it isn't like I think it really matters that much, but it is the way things are . . . sort of misfiring, wires getting crossed, short circuits happening, things like that, that I find kind of interesting.

I think this is perhaps what my psychologist calls 'observing ego'.

Anyway, my last post (or more) was a bit of a train wreck, but then with these kind of symptoms that is to be expected.  I guess.

The symptoms I listed aren't the whole story but with something like this I'm not going to post everything, what I posted was more than most would anyhow.

At least I'm a bit more coherent, this time.

What I'm HAPPY about, is my psychiatrist taking me seriously about the symptoms, instead of her recent shift this year towards thinking Asperger's (cause I'd gotten so weary, I think, in my ADDness of constantly repeating the so obvious to me manic symptoms, repeating the obvious i drop off over time, that I'd fallen off with that and so it's kind of my fault to a degree that I'd gotten weary of repeating the same damn stuff that I thought she'd already known that I'd been saying for years do I have to say it a hundred times I guess I do?)  Oops I'm lapsing into less coherence again . . . . anyway, I'm happy that she is taking me seriously about the mania again.  Finally.  It felt like the stability of knowing a doctor knew where I was at (not that they have to take my word for my diagnosis explore whatever dx they want they are the doc but . . . . she already had, plenty, and then geez anyway it felt like she was just going with the asperger's stuff cause she was getting lazy or dx of the day or i dunno . . . maybe I AM asperberger's, I'm open to that but . . . )

Gah.  Okay, pull it back together.  I did this unfocused crap yesterday.

Happy to well not to have scary symptoms, but to be taken seriously, yeah.  Having a smirking bald kid, arms folded, leaning against the car, flash in and out of my vision as a hallucination if that's how those can work, as we left for my therapy appointment, was quite startling.  The second person I'd seen in less than 24 hours. 

Well, Let's Try That Again

Seeing as how I've now seen my psychiatrist, and she didn't say to only  contact her via snail mail, (her new mail receptionist DID tell me that but I'll chalk that up to him being a newbie . . . he needs more training but I guess we'll see how he does over time), and she was really nice (NICE, this shrink was NICE?  wow . . .) and she said if I was suicidal to call her emergency cell number . . . .

Course, on the other hand, she took what seemed to be a non emergency call on her cell phone during our session but I know these things can be hard to judge from one side so all things considered I'm happy.

AND she's a dog person.  THAT makes me happy.

She picked up a couple of animal toys on our way in that surprised me but halfway through the appointment she opened the door and let in the cutest little toy dog halfway sized between a shitzu and a chihuaha with silky blond hair that is the cutest little thing I don't know what breed but it came up to the couch jumped up and climbed up in my lap and I said hi sweetie, brightly and started scratching her? head and behind her ears and she? settled down on my lap for a little bit because what dog doesn't like these things?

What a cute little dog!  

However, since I had to get back to talking about business and my focus sooned stopped being on scritching the doggie, she soon jumped off my lap and off the couch and went off foraging for treats but I thought it was cool she approached me and I'm secretly thinking this cute doggie sensed I was a doggie person. 

I wouldn't have cared if it was an "ugly" dog, dogs are cool, we had a mutt growing up.

Anyway, back to the session.

Some scary stuff.

Like, hallucinationish things.  I add the ish to soften it.  But they were only flashes, pretty quick.  Rather detailed, this time, unlike last fall.

Other things, like slow mo cognition, stuff like me being like thirty second delay tivo, reacting really slow, after family prayer daughter comes over for a hug and my eyes still closed arms still folded and eventually i open them and it's way slow like molasses i eventually catch up like a slow mo tivo catching up to every one else and realize oh i'm supposed to be hugging now.

Being asked my birthday, took about fifteen seconds to get the day, after being asked something else, took awhile to get the year and I stalled with something else while I tried to pull up the year.  Stuff like that.  I feel like my brain is GOO.  Glue.  

or last night, again after prayer, but this time as she's waiting for the hug my eyes are closed arms folded but i'm hunkered down as if hunched over waiting for a grenade blast . . .  but that's exactly it right before the prayer we'd been talking about my twenty year old nephew, injured earlier this year in Afghanistan in a grenade blast and sent home not just on medical leave but eventually on a medical discharge from th e service.  So when I opened my eyes after the prayer, still in slow mo reactions, my daughter comes around the bed for a hug, and instead of reaching over for her my body hunches down and away like for a grenade which is way wrong reaction i feel horrible but my brain is malfunctioning . . . . she didn't realize what I was doing and I did hug her but it took a minute for me to figure out what was going on my brain is molasses.

Ugh.

It isn't molasses all the time but . . . alot of the time it's been slow, and definitely not my usual self.  This afternoon definitely not normal either and at psychotherapy especially the first part it was noticeable.  I guess that's the best place to be noticed.  One of the best places anyway.

Okay, so other symptoms . . . I'm not being too focused here, that's another symptom.  I was on the phone today making an appointment with the urologist, my psychiatrist wants to finish dotting the i's and crossing the t's there before prescribing an antipsychotic (she did acknowledge I'm having symptoms that need that, the way she described them I'm having trouble approaching describing my brain keeps shutting down and not wanting to go there, like not shutting down but . . . I don't understand the usage of the word she used I thought it meant well I need some explanation of the usage of this word), since we've done such a good getting me clear of antipsychotics OUT of my system and then i go and fiddle with getting off the ditropan without doctor's orders symptoms seemed ok for awhile the bladder guy was fine with that but then i get back on it without doctor supervision and see seems to think that's a little hinky even though my symptoms seemed to support it, so we're crossing the i's and dotting the t's, i'm stopping the ditropan and journaling the intake of fluids and ouput of urine, she was aghast that I couldn't even tell her even approximately how often I pee so she was like how can you even know if you need that medicine . . . ,.

 

Well, there's a run on if y ou've seen one, but I kinda wanna post how i'm doing so I'm going to leave it.

She also doesn't want to put me on an antipsychotic quite y et since I can't tell her about my sleep other than it's wildly erratic other than the topamax helps me be sleepier it helps NOT A BIT with the mania though.  However the night I forgot it by 8 hours i did have sleep paralysis multiple times and that was absolutely awful, though  not as bad as last time . . . SO i'll be journaling in the journal about sleep, too, since i need to note when and how often i wake to pee.  seems to be every three hours on the dot off the ditropan, which is too bleeping often and why i went back on it, i mean a girl bloody hell needs some sleep.  Even on th e ditropan i still pee some at night even with trying to be draconian with cutting back on drinking before bed; do i really have to stop THREE hours before bedtime>? that plus eight hours of sleep is THIRTEEN hours with no liquid my kidneys will be killing me . . . . that and i have this cough that i have to sip occasionally at night, if i don't i'll cough my head off all night even w/cough medicine.  i try not to but if i don't drink anything at all my dry mouth throat will keep me up anyway.  damned if i do damned if i don't and my gp won't listen to me about the cough, he thinks i think well i've been so overanxious this last year he's been tuning me out . . . . . before that he's been a good gp these last 25 years.  so next time i see him i'm gonna say i know i've been overanxious but the lungs these last fwe years have been getting bad and if you don't listen to me i'll be living on cough meds and that's bad and please listen to me . . . . anyway.

i hope.  at the mo loratadine, claratin, has been helping although less so since i think fall allergy season is ramping up  . . .

gah i'm so all over t he place i started out more focused!

Okee doke.

hallucinations, slow cognition, confused/disorienting brain/body connection/reactions dunno how to classify that one, it wasn't something I THOUGHT about it just happened . . . aphasia is another, mixed up words?   transposed words in phrases, unless that fits under aphasia, being inarticulate or less articulate, like I spent half an hour trying to explain a book to my husband and spun my wheels on the same couple ideas over and over and should have given up after a minute or two . . .

Gee, kinda like this post . . . lol.

Argh.

Well anyway, maybe I shouldn't BLOG in this state of mind.

Maybe I'm overestimating that anyone cares.

But, going to the bladder doctor, doing the bladder/psych/sleep/medication journal, since they both need to know meds, will be good cause it's well it's been illuminating today to see just how much and how often I drink and go.  And how clockwork when asleep, without the ditropan, that the bladder woke me up.  Every three hours bam.   The doc can see fluid intake, though I started that so late in the evening early data is dubious but you gotta start somewhere.  I just feel so GOOD about doing something to well find out MORE about this instead go with oh I THINK i need this med again or i think I DON'T cause you know after a couple months things feel ok and i'll stop . . . .  so yeah playing doctor one's own self, well, now I'm logging it and let's find out for SURE.  Knowledge feels POWERFUL.  Maybe it just feels powerful cause it kinda looks to me like it looks like I need the med which is kinda a relief cause I want to be able to sleep and not constantly be GOING.

Ok sorry like you want to hear all this.

OH yeah and like I needed this lesson but on the freaking about my psychiatrist wanting me to only email her; it sounded so freaky that a professional physician could do something so h armful, act in such an unprofessional manner . . . . I should have calmed myself down and waited for t he next appointment.  STILL a representative from her office TOLD me that is what she had said . . . . But still until you know from the horse's mouth . . . .

It is a relief to know that, at least, in my world, doctors, my doctors, don't behave that way.

Psychotic.

That's the word used to describe a list of symptoms she rattled off.

However, I don't think she described ME as psychotic, not as I understand it.  I think it's the manic psychotic the . . ..  I don't understand the clinical terminology it's not . . . . see when I try to approach how I just my brain shuts down bu t she wasn't calling ME psychotic.  It's just not . . .  I do know that much.  And my psychologist confirmed this today.  But I still can't . . . If anyone I know can help me address the usage I'd appreciate it.

Back in the Saddle Again

At least, I saw my psychiatrist on Friday, for the first time since early February of this year.

She weighed a few options, one of them being a new mood stabilizer that isn't fattening (that makes it sound like junk food lol), but she settled on topirimate, which I've been on before, and which we actually stopped when this major wanting to do life-ruining stuff mania started four years ago.  I had started the med with my previous psychiatrist.  Once I went super manic however, she pulled out the big guns, but the last couple years of trying those have been rather hard on me.  

I think this is why, a major reason why, she's not trying the new mood stabilizer that begins with Lut? with me yet; as well, she doesn't have much experience with it yet.  I'm glad we're not going there yet, because new meds sometimes take a year or two to shake out side effects in the larger population that might not have been apparent in trials . . . Zyprexa, anyone?

Anyway, I guess we'll see how it goes, I've been having migraines almost monthly (when typically I used to have them every other year), and this is good for those, and good for sleep (OH to get some better sleep it has been a couple years since I've have consistently uninterrupted sleep of decent quality at all . . .), good for fighting nightmares, and I tolerated it well last time (at 150mg, she has me titrating over 6 weeks up to 200 mg, so I guess we'll see).

A trade off however is being tired all the time, being a bit of a zombie, but it's better than dying, and I don't THINK I was as much of a zombie on topirimate as I was on Seroquel, but I can't remember for sure.

In other psych happenings with me (like it is oh so interesting to all none of you lol!) I had some distressing, new to me symptoms last week; yelling at my husband for things that made no sense.  Well, the words came together into sentences where they actually formed ideas, but . . . 

The first incident involved him taking my new Kindle Fire HD 8.9 into the kitchen.  I went in there and started yelling at him about it, and that I didn't want it in the kitchen much, and why was he bringing it in there, and it was bad, and stuff.   The thing is, I felt an almost. . . . confused pressure inside, that wasn't about anything in particular?  And it formed about being what it was about as it came out of my mouth, like something in me was trying to make sense out of this vague but high botheredness, belligerentness . . .  felt kind of Alzheimer-ish.

The thing is, is that we've been using the Kindle in the kitchen ALOT!  In fact, every day, pretty much.  It spends at least 45 minutes to several hours a day in the kitchen, and it has really improved our life; we go for fast food less, saves us money that way, as I 've been meal planning and keeping track of recipes to try (and their sources) and groceries needed and such . . . . 

So yelling at my husband for taking the Kindle in the kitchen?  Does. Not. Make. Sense.   

Besides, why would I CHOOSE to yell at him for something that is actually something we like to do alot?  

The other thing later in the day that I yelled at him for, I can't even explain well enough here to make it worth my time trying to explain; again, the words formed sentences that formed understandable? ideas on the surface, but they actually didn't make any sense . . . . why was I yelling at my husband for nonsensical stuff?  I had this sense that I wasn't being understood and I kept trying harder and yelling more and it was not good and eventually I gave up.  

The next day I was quite distressed by  all this, as was he.  I don't like having my illnesses control me, make me behave crazy, make me treat my loved ones in ways I wouldn't and didn't' choose (part of me feels like I must've but Mormons are raised/conditioned etc. to believe strongly in free agency, in man's responsibility for their choices and behavior etc.).

Anyway.

It Could Be Alot Worse

I'm having some anxiety over my mammogram results, but it could be much worse.  So, I had my first baseline set May 13th; they wanted me back for a closer look at one, which they told me was pretty common as when they have no baseline to compare to they need to nail down the particulars of various structures, like lymph nodes in weird places or whatever.

Due to various things like vacation, forgetting, and such, I didn't get back for my followup mammograms until today.  After the mammograms, they made me sit around for a long time, and eventually ultrasounded me trying to see what they are trying to nail down, that way.  However, neither the ultrasound tech nor the radiologist doctor could find it.

The doctor told me that "it looks benign" and that "it is probably a lymph node".  Then he said, "We need to see you back in six months, to see if it has grown.".  

Urgh . . .  that doesn't sound like a lymph node?

However, I get the impression that this is MOSTLY a dot your i's and cross your t's situation; that there is a slight possibility it could be something that grows, and is/becomes a problem, but that the probability is so low they are not even needing to look at it for half a year.  No one actually came out and SAID these things though, but it's kind of what I gathered from how they were and what they said.

Still, I've also gathered that there is a possibility it COULD be something bad; they don't just shoot you with x-rays for the fun of it.

My grandmother had breast cancer twice, however, it was not premenopausal, and her five daughters, most in their 70's, have not gotten breast cancer, and none of their female children have gotten it either as far as I know.    

It has also been close to two months since the initial mammogram; yes, they needed a closer look, but they probably have an idea of size from May to compare it to (maybe they don't, but the thought is comforting, and it doesn't hurt anything to think it) and they didn't say that it had grown or anything . . .

So, I am doing some CBT to try and calm down a bit, but this is something that is there, in the back of your mind . . . 

I DID ask the doctor where the 5mm oval . . . white splotch/lymph node . . . that we can see on the mammogram was; they took some funky angled mammograms, so seeing the images wasn't necessarily showing me where it was because I didn't know the angle/frame of reference.  Not more than a very rough idea.  He told me where it was, but he also said I'd not be able to feel it.  I responded by saying I figured breast self-exams weren't a bad idea anyway, and didn't say more, knowing it'll help MY peace of mind to know where a lump MIGHT possibly show up, if this . . .  splotch/lymph node thing isn't a lymph node and isn't benign.  

See, just KNOWING this information, makes me feel less helpless, and like there is something I can DO, aside from just waiting six months and going in for the next mammogram and/or ultrasound . . . perhaps these things are so unlikely to be bad that aside from practical experience and getting more familiar with how things feel WITHOUT lumps in them, it is not likely to help me find anything where the splotch is, but it sure helps me out psychologically . . . so I'll take it.  Knowing more just . . . I don't know, it helps.  I think sometimes too much info can be too much, but at this point, I'm glad I thought to ask things that make ME feel more in control, even if that control is an illusion . . .

Gee, I may be talking myself into a hole about this; I'm already poorly enough off in so many other ways, emotionally, right now.  Well, at least I can feel good about having gone and dealt with this, which I really hadn't wanted to do . . .

Continuing to Exist

In my head I suspect that's the preferred or "better" option than others.

That about covers things.

Back to bed with me, I have a headache and don't feel well.

Want to pull the blankets up and pretend the rest of the world doesn't exist, at least outside my household, and some stuff inside it like how filthy it is that I have a hard time dealing with.

Still breathing, and I guess I'll continue that.  Sounds SO appealing . . . NOT! But . .  . I love my husband and daughter, and I know they want that, I know they'd love more but right now it is all I've got.

Unsafe

Well, I'm not safe.

Lability is uncomfortably high (I hope I'm using the term correctly).  My state of mind, my emotional perspective, keeps shifting so much that any decision I make, even fully believing and commiting to it, I can be doing just the opposite five minutes later (or half an hour, hour, etc.).  The place from which I am interacting with the world from, feels as though it's on a mess of shifting tides and currents.

Part of me thinks, well, isn't this just weakness of character, not being able to stick to anything or operate from a stable state of self or being or mind or whatever?  That word, stable, though, is part of the key.  The whole shifting currents thing, is another.  I'm NOT STABLE right now; I'd not call myself UNstable in a crazy, psychotic way, but  . .. well, basically what I've described above.

It is tempting to fall into the trap of thinking, hey, since I'm seeing this problem, and acknowledging it, doesn't that mean I'm functioning well enough to be or feel safe?  I've fallen into that trap before.  While identifying this stuff, prioritizing it, taking some actions with it, etc. are positive and functional, healthy things, the very nature of being so . . . well, volatile isn't quite the right word, I'm not going to lash out in an extreme way (although I guess suicide and other things actually are pretty extreme) at anyone else (hrm, I've been highly irritable and rather snappish, which I've been not pleased to have acted out as much as has been, the last few days; it has been uncharacteristically frequent and drop of the hat.)  I've been quite reactive and on a short fuse, not even necessarily being aware of having a short fuse, until I snap at my husband.

I've been irritable and snappish before, without the high lability; mixed states suck.  There is more here than just that, although mania and depression certainly make matters rather worse . . . 

I have therapy tomorrow, and I don't know if my psychologist will recommend the hospital.  We've already taken some familiar and not so familiar steps, around here.  Any excess medication my husband has hidden.  A step taken once before, for a time, that I've asked of him again, is to not leave me alone at home for three hour+ stretches.  Two hours feels like it'd be kind of rushed for anything extreme, but that may be because I'm particular.  I hate to scare him like this, but on the other hand it feels the responsible thing to do.

So, he may need to stay home from church on Sunday.  This would carry us to next Wednesday, when I'll be home alone for most of the rest of the week.  If I am still highly changeable/feel like my behavior could turn 180 in the blink of an eye/feel like my mania or mixed state or whatnot is pushing me to danger, then we'll have to probably hospitalize me or figure something else out.  I am REALLY hoping that I'm not like this, then.  It usually has only ever lasted a few days, 3 or 4 tops, but I had this a week to 10 days ago for 4 days or so, and now again and it's just rather scary.

I dunno, maybe I'm a wuss and not taking responsibility, when I say that I can't seem to be able to say that what I decide right now will be the place from whence I could reasonably still be operating an hour from now, etc.

The pull to reckless and harmful, serious things of a variety of types is strong, although I am currently fighting them.  Some things you can't come back from, and some you maybe  shouldn't (okay, definitely stuff to bring it up tomorrow in therapy.)

Edit:  This talk of lability, and danger, and unsafeness, and my assessments thereof, are based mainly on how my psychologist has assessed me most recently last week when discussing the same kinds of things, as well as in the past, the few other times that it has been this bad (all since early 2012, really).  Things I'm saying here are based on concerns he's discussed with me about my safety and stability and such when I'm in this/these states, having experiences as I've been this week and being all over the place, and stuff.  My safety has been a major issue and concern to him, in many of the ways I posted about here, and some things I haven't posted.

Edit:  Also, I do have upcoming appointments with my psychiatrist, later this month and then in August as well, since my urologist cleared me for going back on psych meds/back to the psychiatrist (I know one doesn't necessarily mean the other but he has pronounced my kidneys fine, after a CT and a cessation of the most distressing symptoms . . well, I may need to check one more thing with him, but he did clear me.)  Still, I may be contacting her sooner, by email I guess, if my psychologist thinks I need to go to the hospital.  Maybe her emergency nmber would be better, I don't know?  I' ve left a message on there before.

Bring On The Chocolate and Take My Uterus (Maybe)

Why, you ask?

One doesn't need a reason for chocolate; however, I happen to have a pretty good one anyway.

Uterine biopsies hurt really, really, badly, and so I need some chocolate.

Now, the  biopsy is just a precaution, given my untreated PCOS for so many years and having gone as many as 5-6 months without periods; apparently the lining not shedding monthly, but building up, is a risk for cancer (why did my doctor never mention this?)

Since the gynecologist was going to be in there anyway doing something to eliminate my cancer risk (at least for these reasons), they were doing the biopsy too, it isn't as though I've had any cancerous symptoms.

The three options for me for settling the cancer risk were taking birth control pills, which would make sure the lining sheds monthly; however, I have read, and discussed with my new gynecologist who specializes in PCOS and things like that, that at my age taking birth control pills have more risks than say if I was in my early thirties.  The second option was IUD, which since it provides local progesterone, that isn't systemic like taking a pill, has lower risks, and stops the risk of cancer from linings building up.  The third option was to take out my uterus, which is a bit drastic.

My GP had recommended endometrial ablation but apparently that's only a good option if your periods are regular; it lightens periods but doesn't stop them, so my linings would still build up some in the months they aren't shedding.  Apparently it hurts 10 times worse than getting an IUD, which is what I did today and it was awful (much more so than they expected, the degree and durationon of pain I was having concerned them and then ultrasounded again to check things out).  It was still awful even though the biopsy was worse, but the IUD was still pretty bad, and it took longer (the 15 seconds of horrendous biopsy pain, made me yell for 15 seconds or more though I tried not to).  I yelled for some of the IUD too.  The pain was comparable to or worse than labor pain, esp. for the biopsy, and even for some parts of the IUD procedure.

The pain is supposed to go away within a couple hours; if it doesn't, he'll be taking out my uterus.  Not today obviously but if I still hurt tonight, he's pretty clear that it needs to come out.  I did take 800mg of ibuprofen half an hour before the appointment.  It's been an hour and the pain is not fading AT ALL.

So, I need chocolate.  Make sense?  Hugs and love and kind thoughts and sympathy/empathy are all good, too.  At the moment, the idea of losing my uterus sounds really really NICE, even though I know it's surgery and will not be painless.

I am so tired of doctors.  I had a CT on my kidneys Monday followed by my baseline mammogram which I figured I may as well get done while I was there, so I scheduled them both.  I've had two gynecologist appointments this week, and another urologist appointment next week (he said he'd call before Monday if the CT was abnormal so I'm hoping it wasn't, although I'd like to know why my kidneys hurt off and on).

I do know I will never do that again, the IUD, even if the pain settles down and goes away in a timely manner.  I'm used to alot of pain but this was just awful.  I feel like I've been poked, prodded, sampled, needeled, etc. with about every stupid thing they could do in there.  Not a pleasant feeling.

Whine over for now, I guess, but when discussing the risks of IUD, pain that was excessive/lasting too long wasn't mentioned, and I did ask quite a few questions, so I'm guessing it's not common.