Across and Inside my Universe

Break With Reality

Eeep.

I was laying/lying? in bed a few minutes ago, when it occurred to me that something I thought over the weekend, and took action on, WASN'T REAL.

It's a minor thing that doesn't have much to do with anything, except the fact that I believed something that wasn't real, and I acted on it! AND, it took me several days to realize this!

Also, it's not caused by medications, I wouldn't think, like the only other time this has happened (but then, I'd realize in 10-30 mins that something wasn't real).

See, I am facing the consequences of some stupid bipolar-influenced decisions lately (doesn't excuse it, perhaps helps explain it) and yesterday I laid in bed and only got up at 8pm, because I didn't want to and/or felt like I couldn't, cope with the reality of my life that I face now. Now I'm freaked because apparently my mind already decided this last week . . .

What I've done is so bad, is so far from my core values, and who I want to be, that maybe my mind just can't cope with the disparity between what I've done and what I value, who I thought I was?

Regardless of that, I'm thinking my psychologist in an hour when I see him will want me in the hospital, and if he does, I'm not going to fight it. I've fought it before, on suicidal issues, but to me, losing one's mind, believing things that aren't real . . . well how could I trust my actions, decisions, thoughts, feelings, judgement, anything, if any, some, or all of these could be based on unreal things? I can't trust my judgment to say I know better than my psychologist and refuse to go to the hospital. I recognize that if I'm thinking things that aren't real, my judgment isn't reliable, even if me saying so at least it implies it's reliable IN THIS MOMENT. I don't know that I can trust that it will be reliable over the course of any particular pariod of time.

So. I really don't want any part of this, but it seems I don't have a choice; I'm not CHOOSING to believe things that aren't real, it just happened.

I'm scared.

Is there part of me that hopes this unreal stuff might have contributed to the bad decisions I made? Sure! That would make me less of a bad person. I can't THINK of anything involved right now that doesn't feel real, but then how would I know if my mind was still believing unreal stuff? Still, I'm thinking it didn't play a part. I take full responsibility for what I did. I think it's understandable that I'd want this unreal thing to be a part of it, but I'm not going to rest on that.

Anyway, don't know if or when they're going to hospitalize me and I certainly don't WANT it but I recognize if my mind is . . . losing touch with reality . . . that it me be objectively what is best. Ugh. Never thought I'd say THAT last.

I may have my husband post comments on this post, possibly as me or whatever's easiest, with him saying it's him, and how I'm doing, in case anyone cares, from time to time, that I relay to him from within the hospital.

Then again, maybe I WON'T end up in the hospital, who knows.

The World is a Poorer Place

For the loss of our dear friend and neighbor, Russ Thompson. It just is. He and his wife are the most Christ-like people we've ever known.

Just a few months ago he was giving me rides to therapy, and was happy to do it, despite me being worried that it was a bother. He said it wasn't and that he was happy to help.

This is the kind of people they are. That he was.

We only found out half an hour ago that he died, we must've got lost in the shuffle because we were very good friends, and, well, I called his wife half an hour ago, to ask how he was doing (he had leukemia) and she said, "You don't know?" and I said I didn't, although of course what she said next was unfortunately made apparent by the You don't know question . . . he had died. I felt like a complete JERK for asking her, "How's Russ doing?" and there she was, about to leave for the funeral home for the viewing. How jarring must that have been for her.

When my daughter overheard my shock as I exclaimed, "WHAT?" as she told me he was dead, she knew who I was talking to and so she guessed what had happened and burst into loud sobs.

How do you go to the viewing of a loved one just an hour or two after learning they've died? Two weeks ago we'd heard they were going to look into bone marrow transplant to extend his life, though not save it. So while I knew he'd eventually pass, I wasn't prepared much for right now. And now, to go see him laying there, dead and peaceful, so soon after the shock of the news, well, I know I'm going to lose it, and I don't want to make things harder for his wife whens he sees me losing it, but I'm not a robot. So how do I go and face this? I don't want to see him lying there.

How do I help my daughter through this?