So, for almost a week my emotional and mental state has been all over the place. I feel like a bungee cord that's been overused . . . . one hour I'll be thinking I have really good insights and have solved a really good problem (who says I haven't?), an hour or two later I'll be really really intensely something ELSE, a couple hours later I'll be biting everyones' heads off (or isolating myself or sitting on my hands to remind myself to say nothing), the next day I'll be so anxious I can't figure out why, later in the day I'll be really really positive that something is going to work out well, or that I'm capable of anything, a few hours later I'll be in a black storm of depression . . . well, you get the idea. On and on and on.
Soooo. Today, I got really agitated writing the last post. While what that Senator said riled me up, I don't think it's why I'm so agitated. I can't, I can't, I CAN'T settle down; I have to say what I feel has to be said in order for the information that needs to be conveyed to be conveyed. I HAVE to.
I try really hard to stop it, but with little success.
I went to an urgent care clinic today, and by the end of the appointment he was treating me a little bit like I imagine the mentally ill or obviously mentally ill sometimes are. Patronizing, and believing not very much more of what I had to say.
JUST because I HAD to convey what was probably too much information to describe a problem that's been going on for some long stretches these last 18 months, doesn't mean I don't know BLOOD in my urine when I see it. It'd stopped being sporadic and started being daily, these last 12 days or so . . . and that's besides the bladder pain, other or extra abdominal pain, and urethral pain . . .
SO. It hurts, and it's bleeding. Go to the doctor. There WAS blood when I cleansed before the sample, there was blood AFTER I gave the sample (and no none of this is menstrual etc.) The chemical analysis found BLOOD in the urine.
So, Mr. Really Old Patronizing doctor (well, I have to admit, he was somewhat patient for a large portion of the urgent torrents of explanation pouring from me; I'm so frackin embarrassed to be so out of control, I tried really really hard to be better but it wasn't working) tells me that while the chemical analysis showed blood in the sample, he looked through the microscope and saw none, so therefore there was none.
HELLOOOO. There was none in the tiny droplet you put on the microscope slide . . . . this is why the chemical analysis, no?
AND, I emphasized again that I'd just seen blood there, twice, a few minutes earlier. And that it had been going on for awhile, daily.
Really Old Doc: "Nope, I saw no blood, so . . . just take this anti-spasmodic for your bladder (and be a good dear and go away and stop bothering me)." Parenthetical mine, but it kinda felt that way.
I asked him if going untreated for a long time for overactive bladder could cause bleeding; he said no. My pharmacist disagrees, he said the medication should probably help stop the bleeding, unless something else is wrong in addition to the overactive bladder . . .
While I'm not happy about the doctor, I do recognize I was a rather taxing patient, agitated and jittery, with compulsions and urges to say what I felt HAD to be said or I was going to explode. Or something.
I REALLY REALLY hate losing control of myself like that in front of people; I don't do it often, because I stay home so much that it mostly happens at home. Some might say, of course you can control yourself, you didn't try hard enough, but . . . they didn't feel it. I did the best I could, but I was very agitated.
I think partly I ended up this way after 4-5 days of this emotional and mental whiplash I've been going through; my nerves are so frayed from it that I'm just . . . agitated.
Oh yeah, the mania doesn't help either, it fuels much of what has gone on . . . one day I was up for over 36 hours, and barely a yawn or two by the time I finally slept.
Usually I know what's been stressing me out that has led to the mania breaking through the medications, but I didn't know, earlier this week, why. Although the last day or two, the health thing has been stress enough. I hate the unknown.
Comments