Across and Inside my Universe

Back in the Saddle Again

At least, I saw my psychiatrist on Friday, for the first time since early February of this year.

She weighed a few options, one of them being a new mood stabilizer that isn't fattening (that makes it sound like junk food lol), but she settled on topirimate, which I've been on before, and which we actually stopped when this major wanting to do life-ruining stuff mania started four years ago.  I had started the med with my previous psychiatrist.  Once I went super manic however, she pulled out the big guns, but the last couple years of trying those have been rather hard on me.  

I think this is why, a major reason why, she's not trying the new mood stabilizer that begins with Lut? with me yet; as well, she doesn't have much experience with it yet.  I'm glad we're not going there yet, because new meds sometimes take a year or two to shake out side effects in the larger population that might not have been apparent in trials . . . Zyprexa, anyone?

Anyway, I guess we'll see how it goes, I've been having migraines almost monthly (when typically I used to have them every other year), and this is good for those, and good for sleep (OH to get some better sleep it has been a couple years since I've have consistently uninterrupted sleep of decent quality at all . . .), good for fighting nightmares, and I tolerated it well last time (at 150mg, she has me titrating over 6 weeks up to 200 mg, so I guess we'll see).

A trade off however is being tired all the time, being a bit of a zombie, but it's better than dying, and I don't THINK I was as much of a zombie on topirimate as I was on Seroquel, but I can't remember for sure.

In other psych happenings with me (like it is oh so interesting to all none of you lol!) I had some distressing, new to me symptoms last week; yelling at my husband for things that made no sense.  Well, the words came together into sentences where they actually formed ideas, but . . . 

The first incident involved him taking my new Kindle Fire HD 8.9 into the kitchen.  I went in there and started yelling at him about it, and that I didn't want it in the kitchen much, and why was he bringing it in there, and it was bad, and stuff.   The thing is, I felt an almost. . . . confused pressure inside, that wasn't about anything in particular?  And it formed about being what it was about as it came out of my mouth, like something in me was trying to make sense out of this vague but high botheredness, belligerentness . . .  felt kind of Alzheimer-ish.

The thing is, is that we've been using the Kindle in the kitchen ALOT!  In fact, every day, pretty much.  It spends at least 45 minutes to several hours a day in the kitchen, and it has really improved our life; we go for fast food less, saves us money that way, as I 've been meal planning and keeping track of recipes to try (and their sources) and groceries needed and such . . . . 

So yelling at my husband for taking the Kindle in the kitchen?  Does. Not. Make. Sense.   

Besides, why would I CHOOSE to yell at him for something that is actually something we like to do alot?  

The other thing later in the day that I yelled at him for, I can't even explain well enough here to make it worth my time trying to explain; again, the words formed sentences that formed understandable? ideas on the surface, but they actually didn't make any sense . . . . why was I yelling at my husband for nonsensical stuff?  I had this sense that I wasn't being understood and I kept trying harder and yelling more and it was not good and eventually I gave up.  

The next day I was quite distressed by  all this, as was he.  I don't like having my illnesses control me, make me behave crazy, make me treat my loved ones in ways I wouldn't and didn't' choose (part of me feels like I must've but Mormons are raised/conditioned etc. to believe strongly in free agency, in man's responsibility for their choices and behavior etc.).

Anyway.

It Could Be Alot Worse

I'm having some anxiety over my mammogram results, but it could be much worse.  So, I had my first baseline set May 13th; they wanted me back for a closer look at one, which they told me was pretty common as when they have no baseline to compare to they need to nail down the particulars of various structures, like lymph nodes in weird places or whatever.

Due to various things like vacation, forgetting, and such, I didn't get back for my followup mammograms until today.  After the mammograms, they made me sit around for a long time, and eventually ultrasounded me trying to see what they are trying to nail down, that way.  However, neither the ultrasound tech nor the radiologist doctor could find it.

The doctor told me that "it looks benign" and that "it is probably a lymph node".  Then he said, "We need to see you back in six months, to see if it has grown.".  

Urgh . . .  that doesn't sound like a lymph node?

However, I get the impression that this is MOSTLY a dot your i's and cross your t's situation; that there is a slight possibility it could be something that grows, and is/becomes a problem, but that the probability is so low they are not even needing to look at it for half a year.  No one actually came out and SAID these things though, but it's kind of what I gathered from how they were and what they said.

Still, I've also gathered that there is a possibility it COULD be something bad; they don't just shoot you with x-rays for the fun of it.

My grandmother had breast cancer twice, however, it was not premenopausal, and her five daughters, most in their 70's, have not gotten breast cancer, and none of their female children have gotten it either as far as I know.    

It has also been close to two months since the initial mammogram; yes, they needed a closer look, but they probably have an idea of size from May to compare it to (maybe they don't, but the thought is comforting, and it doesn't hurt anything to think it) and they didn't say that it had grown or anything . . .

So, I am doing some CBT to try and calm down a bit, but this is something that is there, in the back of your mind . . . 

I DID ask the doctor where the 5mm oval . . . white splotch/lymph node . . . that we can see on the mammogram was; they took some funky angled mammograms, so seeing the images wasn't necessarily showing me where it was because I didn't know the angle/frame of reference.  Not more than a very rough idea.  He told me where it was, but he also said I'd not be able to feel it.  I responded by saying I figured breast self-exams weren't a bad idea anyway, and didn't say more, knowing it'll help MY peace of mind to know where a lump MIGHT possibly show up, if this . . .  splotch/lymph node thing isn't a lymph node and isn't benign.  

See, just KNOWING this information, makes me feel less helpless, and like there is something I can DO, aside from just waiting six months and going in for the next mammogram and/or ultrasound . . . perhaps these things are so unlikely to be bad that aside from practical experience and getting more familiar with how things feel WITHOUT lumps in them, it is not likely to help me find anything where the splotch is, but it sure helps me out psychologically . . . so I'll take it.  Knowing more just . . . I don't know, it helps.  I think sometimes too much info can be too much, but at this point, I'm glad I thought to ask things that make ME feel more in control, even if that control is an illusion . . .

Gee, I may be talking myself into a hole about this; I'm already poorly enough off in so many other ways, emotionally, right now.  Well, at least I can feel good about having gone and dealt with this, which I really hadn't wanted to do . . .

Continuing to Exist

In my head I suspect that's the preferred or "better" option than others.

That about covers things.

Back to bed with me, I have a headache and don't feel well.

Want to pull the blankets up and pretend the rest of the world doesn't exist, at least outside my household, and some stuff inside it like how filthy it is that I have a hard time dealing with.

Still breathing, and I guess I'll continue that.  Sounds SO appealing . . . NOT! But . .  . I love my husband and daughter, and I know they want that, I know they'd love more but right now it is all I've got.

Unsafe

Well, I'm not safe.

Lability is uncomfortably high (I hope I'm using the term correctly).  My state of mind, my emotional perspective, keeps shifting so much that any decision I make, even fully believing and commiting to it, I can be doing just the opposite five minutes later (or half an hour, hour, etc.).  The place from which I am interacting with the world from, feels as though it's on a mess of shifting tides and currents.

Part of me thinks, well, isn't this just weakness of character, not being able to stick to anything or operate from a stable state of self or being or mind or whatever?  That word, stable, though, is part of the key.  The whole shifting currents thing, is another.  I'm NOT STABLE right now; I'd not call myself UNstable in a crazy, psychotic way, but  . .. well, basically what I've described above.

It is tempting to fall into the trap of thinking, hey, since I'm seeing this problem, and acknowledging it, doesn't that mean I'm functioning well enough to be or feel safe?  I've fallen into that trap before.  While identifying this stuff, prioritizing it, taking some actions with it, etc. are positive and functional, healthy things, the very nature of being so . . . well, volatile isn't quite the right word, I'm not going to lash out in an extreme way (although I guess suicide and other things actually are pretty extreme) at anyone else (hrm, I've been highly irritable and rather snappish, which I've been not pleased to have acted out as much as has been, the last few days; it has been uncharacteristically frequent and drop of the hat.)  I've been quite reactive and on a short fuse, not even necessarily being aware of having a short fuse, until I snap at my husband.

I've been irritable and snappish before, without the high lability; mixed states suck.  There is more here than just that, although mania and depression certainly make matters rather worse . . . 

I have therapy tomorrow, and I don't know if my psychologist will recommend the hospital.  We've already taken some familiar and not so familiar steps, around here.  Any excess medication my husband has hidden.  A step taken once before, for a time, that I've asked of him again, is to not leave me alone at home for three hour+ stretches.  Two hours feels like it'd be kind of rushed for anything extreme, but that may be because I'm particular.  I hate to scare him like this, but on the other hand it feels the responsible thing to do.

So, he may need to stay home from church on Sunday.  This would carry us to next Wednesday, when I'll be home alone for most of the rest of the week.  If I am still highly changeable/feel like my behavior could turn 180 in the blink of an eye/feel like my mania or mixed state or whatnot is pushing me to danger, then we'll have to probably hospitalize me or figure something else out.  I am REALLY hoping that I'm not like this, then.  It usually has only ever lasted a few days, 3 or 4 tops, but I had this a week to 10 days ago for 4 days or so, and now again and it's just rather scary.

I dunno, maybe I'm a wuss and not taking responsibility, when I say that I can't seem to be able to say that what I decide right now will be the place from whence I could reasonably still be operating an hour from now, etc.

The pull to reckless and harmful, serious things of a variety of types is strong, although I am currently fighting them.  Some things you can't come back from, and some you maybe  shouldn't (okay, definitely stuff to bring it up tomorrow in therapy.)

Edit:  This talk of lability, and danger, and unsafeness, and my assessments thereof, are based mainly on how my psychologist has assessed me most recently last week when discussing the same kinds of things, as well as in the past, the few other times that it has been this bad (all since early 2012, really).  Things I'm saying here are based on concerns he's discussed with me about my safety and stability and such when I'm in this/these states, having experiences as I've been this week and being all over the place, and stuff.  My safety has been a major issue and concern to him, in many of the ways I posted about here, and some things I haven't posted.

Edit:  Also, I do have upcoming appointments with my psychiatrist, later this month and then in August as well, since my urologist cleared me for going back on psych meds/back to the psychiatrist (I know one doesn't necessarily mean the other but he has pronounced my kidneys fine, after a CT and a cessation of the most distressing symptoms . . well, I may need to check one more thing with him, but he did clear me.)  Still, I may be contacting her sooner, by email I guess, if my psychologist thinks I need to go to the hospital.  Maybe her emergency nmber would be better, I don't know?  I' ve left a message on there before.