Unsafe

Well, I'm not safe.

Lability is uncomfortably high (I hope I'm using the term correctly).  My state of mind, my emotional perspective, keeps shifting so much that any decision I make, even fully believing and commiting to it, I can be doing just the opposite five minutes later (or half an hour, hour, etc.).  The place from which I am interacting with the world from, feels as though it's on a mess of shifting tides and currents.

Part of me thinks, well, isn't this just weakness of character, not being able to stick to anything or operate from a stable state of self or being or mind or whatever?  That word, stable, though, is part of the key.  The whole shifting currents thing, is another.  I'm NOT STABLE right now; I'd not call myself UNstable in a crazy, psychotic way, but  . .. well, basically what I've described above.

It is tempting to fall into the trap of thinking, hey, since I'm seeing this problem, and acknowledging it, doesn't that mean I'm functioning well enough to be or feel safe?  I've fallen into that trap before.  While identifying this stuff, prioritizing it, taking some actions with it, etc. are positive and functional, healthy things, the very nature of being so . . . well, volatile isn't quite the right word, I'm not going to lash out in an extreme way (although I guess suicide and other things actually are pretty extreme) at anyone else (hrm, I've been highly irritable and rather snappish, which I've been not pleased to have acted out as much as has been, the last few days; it has been uncharacteristically frequent and drop of the hat.)  I've been quite reactive and on a short fuse, not even necessarily being aware of having a short fuse, until I snap at my husband.

I've been irritable and snappish before, without the high lability; mixed states suck.  There is more here than just that, although mania and depression certainly make matters rather worse . . . 

I have therapy tomorrow, and I don't know if my psychologist will recommend the hospital.  We've already taken some familiar and not so familiar steps, around here.  Any excess medication my husband has hidden.  A step taken once before, for a time, that I've asked of him again, is to not leave me alone at home for three hour+ stretches.  Two hours feels like it'd be kind of rushed for anything extreme, but that may be because I'm particular.  I hate to scare him like this, but on the other hand it feels the responsible thing to do.

So, he may need to stay home from church on Sunday.  This would carry us to next Wednesday, when I'll be home alone for most of the rest of the week.  If I am still highly changeable/feel like my behavior could turn 180 in the blink of an eye/feel like my mania or mixed state or whatnot is pushing me to danger, then we'll have to probably hospitalize me or figure something else out.  I am REALLY hoping that I'm not like this, then.  It usually has only ever lasted a few days, 3 or 4 tops, but I had this a week to 10 days ago for 4 days or so, and now again and it's just rather scary.

I dunno, maybe I'm a wuss and not taking responsibility, when I say that I can't seem to be able to say that what I decide right now will be the place from whence I could reasonably still be operating an hour from now, etc.

The pull to reckless and harmful, serious things of a variety of types is strong, although I am currently fighting them.  Some things you can't come back from, and some you maybe  shouldn't (okay, definitely stuff to bring it up tomorrow in therapy.)

Edit:  This talk of lability, and danger, and unsafeness, and my assessments thereof, are based mainly on how my psychologist has assessed me most recently last week when discussing the same kinds of things, as well as in the past, the few other times that it has been this bad (all since early 2012, really).  Things I'm saying here are based on concerns he's discussed with me about my safety and stability and such when I'm in this/these states, having experiences as I've been this week and being all over the place, and stuff.  My safety has been a major issue and concern to him, in many of the ways I posted about here, and some things I haven't posted.

Edit:  Also, I do have upcoming appointments with my psychiatrist, later this month and then in August as well, since my urologist cleared me for going back on psych meds/back to the psychiatrist (I know one doesn't necessarily mean the other but he has pronounced my kidneys fine, after a CT and a cessation of the most distressing symptoms . . well, I may need to check one more thing with him, but he did clear me.)  Still, I may be contacting her sooner, by email I guess, if my psychologist thinks I need to go to the hospital.  Maybe her emergency nmber would be better, I don't know?  I' ve left a message on there before.