Seeing as how I've now seen my psychiatrist, and she didn't say to only contact her via snail mail, (her new mail receptionist DID tell me that but I'll chalk that up to him being a newbie . . . he needs more training but I guess we'll see how he does over time), and she was really nice (NICE, this shrink was NICE? wow . . .) and she said if I was suicidal to call her emergency cell number . . . .
Course, on the other hand, she took what seemed to be a non emergency call on her cell phone during our session but I know these things can be hard to judge from one side so all things considered I'm happy.
AND she's a dog person. THAT makes me happy.
She picked up a couple of animal toys on our way in that surprised me but halfway through the appointment she opened the door and let in the cutest little toy dog halfway sized between a shitzu and a chihuaha with silky blond hair that is the cutest little thing I don't know what breed but it came up to the couch jumped up and climbed up in my lap and I said hi sweetie, brightly and started scratching her? head and behind her ears and she? settled down on my lap for a little bit because what dog doesn't like these things?
What a cute little dog!
However, since I had to get back to talking about business and my focus sooned stopped being on scritching the doggie, she soon jumped off my lap and off the couch and went off foraging for treats but I thought it was cool she approached me and I'm secretly thinking this cute doggie sensed I was a doggie person.
I wouldn't have cared if it was an "ugly" dog, dogs are cool, we had a mutt growing up.
Anyway, back to the session.
Some scary stuff.
Like, hallucinationish things. I add the ish to soften it. But they were only flashes, pretty quick. Rather detailed, this time, unlike last fall.
Other things, like slow mo cognition, stuff like me being like thirty second delay tivo, reacting really slow, after family prayer daughter comes over for a hug and my eyes still closed arms still folded and eventually i open them and it's way slow like molasses i eventually catch up like a slow mo tivo catching up to every one else and realize oh i'm supposed to be hugging now.
Being asked my birthday, took about fifteen seconds to get the day, after being asked something else, took awhile to get the year and I stalled with something else while I tried to pull up the year. Stuff like that. I feel like my brain is GOO. Glue.
or last night, again after prayer, but this time as she's waiting for the hug my eyes are closed arms folded but i'm hunkered down as if hunched over waiting for a grenade blast . . . but that's exactly it right before the prayer we'd been talking about my twenty year old nephew, injured earlier this year in Afghanistan in a grenade blast and sent home not just on medical leave but eventually on a medical discharge from th e service. So when I opened my eyes after the prayer, still in slow mo reactions, my daughter comes around the bed for a hug, and instead of reaching over for her my body hunches down and away like for a grenade which is way wrong reaction i feel horrible but my brain is malfunctioning . . . . she didn't realize what I was doing and I did hug her but it took a minute for me to figure out what was going on my brain is molasses.
Ugh.
It isn't molasses all the time but . . . alot of the time it's been slow, and definitely not my usual self. This afternoon definitely not normal either and at psychotherapy especially the first part it was noticeable. I guess that's the best place to be noticed. One of the best places anyway.
Okay, so other symptoms . . . I'm not being too focused here, that's another symptom. I was on the phone today making an appointment with the urologist, my psychiatrist wants to finish dotting the i's and crossing the t's there before prescribing an antipsychotic (she did acknowledge I'm having symptoms that need that, the way she described them I'm having trouble approaching describing my brain keeps shutting down and not wanting to go there, like not shutting down but . . . I don't understand the usage of the word she used I thought it meant well I need some explanation of the usage of this word), since we've done such a good getting me clear of antipsychotics OUT of my system and then i go and fiddle with getting off the ditropan without doctor's orders symptoms seemed ok for awhile the bladder guy was fine with that but then i get back on it without doctor supervision and see seems to think that's a little hinky even though my symptoms seemed to support it, so we're crossing the i's and dotting the t's, i'm stopping the ditropan and journaling the intake of fluids and ouput of urine, she was aghast that I couldn't even tell her even approximately how often I pee so she was like how can you even know if you need that medicine . . . ,.
Well, there's a run on if y ou've seen one, but I kinda wanna post how i'm doing so I'm going to leave it.
She also doesn't want to put me on an antipsychotic quite y et since I can't tell her about my sleep other than it's wildly erratic other than the topamax helps me be sleepier it helps NOT A BIT with the mania though. However the night I forgot it by 8 hours i did have sleep paralysis multiple times and that was absolutely awful, though not as bad as last time . . . SO i'll be journaling in the journal about sleep, too, since i need to note when and how often i wake to pee. seems to be every three hours on the dot off the ditropan, which is too bleeping often and why i went back on it, i mean a girl bloody hell needs some sleep. Even on th e ditropan i still pee some at night even with trying to be draconian with cutting back on drinking before bed; do i really have to stop THREE hours before bedtime>? that plus eight hours of sleep is THIRTEEN hours with no liquid my kidneys will be killing me . . . . that and i have this cough that i have to sip occasionally at night, if i don't i'll cough my head off all night even w/cough medicine. i try not to but if i don't drink anything at all my dry mouth throat will keep me up anyway. damned if i do damned if i don't and my gp won't listen to me about the cough, he thinks i think well i've been so overanxious this last year he's been tuning me out . . . . . before that he's been a good gp these last 25 years. so next time i see him i'm gonna say i know i've been overanxious but the lungs these last fwe years have been getting bad and if you don't listen to me i'll be living on cough meds and that's bad and please listen to me . . . . anyway.
i hope. at the mo loratadine, claratin, has been helping although less so since i think fall allergy season is ramping up . . .
gah i'm so all over t he place i started out more focused!
Okee doke.
hallucinations, slow cognition, confused/disorienting brain/body connection/reactions dunno how to classify that one, it wasn't something I THOUGHT about it just happened . . . aphasia is another, mixed up words? transposed words in phrases, unless that fits under aphasia, being inarticulate or less articulate, like I spent half an hour trying to explain a book to my husband and spun my wheels on the same couple ideas over and over and should have given up after a minute or two . . .
Gee, kinda like this post . . . lol.
Argh.
Well anyway, maybe I shouldn't BLOG in this state of mind.
Maybe I'm overestimating that anyone cares.
But, going to the bladder doctor, doing the bladder/psych/sleep/medication journal, since they both need to know meds, will be good cause it's well it's been illuminating today to see just how much and how often I drink and go. And how clockwork when asleep, without the ditropan, that the bladder woke me up. Every three hours bam. The doc can see fluid intake, though I started that so late in the evening early data is dubious but you gotta start somewhere. I just feel so GOOD about doing something to well find out MORE about this instead go with oh I THINK i need this med again or i think I DON'T cause you know after a couple months things feel ok and i'll stop . . . . so yeah playing doctor one's own self, well, now I'm logging it and let's find out for SURE. Knowledge feels POWERFUL. Maybe it just feels powerful cause it kinda looks to me like it looks like I need the med which is kinda a relief cause I want to be able to sleep and not constantly be GOING.
Ok sorry like you want to hear all this.
OH yeah and like I needed this lesson but on the freaking about my psychiatrist wanting me to only email her; it sounded so freaky that a professional physician could do something so h armful, act in such an unprofessional manner . . . . I should have calmed myself down and waited for t he next appointment. STILL a representative from her office TOLD me that is what she had said . . . . But still until you know from the horse's mouth . . . .
It is a relief to know that, at least, in my world, doctors, my doctors, don't behave that way.
Psychotic.
That's the word used to describe a list of symptoms she rattled off.
However, I don't think she described ME as psychotic, not as I understand it. I think it's the manic psychotic the . . .. I don't understand the clinical terminology it's not . . . . see when I try to approach how I just my brain shuts down bu t she wasn't calling ME psychotic. It's just not . . . I do know that much. And my psychologist confirmed this today. But I still can't . . . If anyone I know can help me address the usage I'd appreciate it.
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