We've been through alot this week.
I've felt all of the following: Horror, pain, anger, sorrow, indignation, disgust, revulsion, outrage, frustration, sadness, regret, determination, resolve, protectiveness, strength, recrimination, failure, lost, alone, isolated, horrified, nervous, anxious, angry, empathy, and a variety of other things.
Most of all, my heart is broken for someone. It keeps breaking, over and over.
My husband agrees that about covers it.
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OY.
It's been two weeks, and I've got a headache just thinking about it.
Every time I think, "Oh, I've just emailed back and forth with x period's teacher and gotten on top of something, " something else will smack me in the face a minute later, like missing work in Computer class because it wouldn't print and she didn't know to ask for help like other kids might.
Or tonight, after sending an email to all her teachers to introduce some of the issues (self and time management and organization of both, being the biggest ones). I had been encouraged by the responses from two teachers I had individually emailed the week before, so I thought I'd better email them all, even though I hope they've all read her IEP as it demands certain accommodations that every class had better make.
I get done doing this, and then my husband flips over a recently-graded Enlish assignment and on the back, written twice, harshly, is, "I HATE ENGLISH CLASS".
My heart is breaking and I feel like how can I expect her to stay on top of so many things when I'm having trouble staying on top of trying to keep her organized and on track with everything?
How can I expect her to be up on all this when new things and all sorts of changes are difficult for an autistic child to handle, when she's likely overwhelmed by all these new things that I feel like a "Bad Mommy tm" for doing what I need to do to help her, but feel like I'm just piling on her more?
And yet I feel like a "Bad Mommy tm" for the days when I've not reminded her about EVERYTHING, when I've not gone through her accordian organizer and her planner to check if she's written down homework and tests, and then see if she's brought the homework home . . ..
Can I pull my hair out yet? Please?!! Somebody say Junior High and a special needs child will get easier, at some point, pretttyyyy pleassseeee!!
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