Across and Inside my Universe

It Could Be Alot Worse

I'm having some anxiety over my mammogram results, but it could be much worse.  So, I had my first baseline set May 13th; they wanted me back for a closer look at one, which they told me was pretty common as when they have no baseline to compare to they need to nail down the particulars of various structures, like lymph nodes in weird places or whatever.

Due to various things like vacation, forgetting, and such, I didn't get back for my followup mammograms until today.  After the mammograms, they made me sit around for a long time, and eventually ultrasounded me trying to see what they are trying to nail down, that way.  However, neither the ultrasound tech nor the radiologist doctor could find it.

The doctor told me that "it looks benign" and that "it is probably a lymph node".  Then he said, "We need to see you back in six months, to see if it has grown.".  

Urgh . . .  that doesn't sound like a lymph node?

However, I get the impression that this is MOSTLY a dot your i's and cross your t's situation; that there is a slight possibility it could be something that grows, and is/becomes a problem, but that the probability is so low they are not even needing to look at it for half a year.  No one actually came out and SAID these things though, but it's kind of what I gathered from how they were and what they said.

Still, I've also gathered that there is a possibility it COULD be something bad; they don't just shoot you with x-rays for the fun of it.

My grandmother had breast cancer twice, however, it was not premenopausal, and her five daughters, most in their 70's, have not gotten breast cancer, and none of their female children have gotten it either as far as I know.    

It has also been close to two months since the initial mammogram; yes, they needed a closer look, but they probably have an idea of size from May to compare it to (maybe they don't, but the thought is comforting, and it doesn't hurt anything to think it) and they didn't say that it had grown or anything . . .

So, I am doing some CBT to try and calm down a bit, but this is something that is there, in the back of your mind . . . 

I DID ask the doctor where the 5mm oval . . . white splotch/lymph node . . . that we can see on the mammogram was; they took some funky angled mammograms, so seeing the images wasn't necessarily showing me where it was because I didn't know the angle/frame of reference.  Not more than a very rough idea.  He told me where it was, but he also said I'd not be able to feel it.  I responded by saying I figured breast self-exams weren't a bad idea anyway, and didn't say more, knowing it'll help MY peace of mind to know where a lump MIGHT possibly show up, if this . . .  splotch/lymph node thing isn't a lymph node and isn't benign.  

See, just KNOWING this information, makes me feel less helpless, and like there is something I can DO, aside from just waiting six months and going in for the next mammogram and/or ultrasound . . . perhaps these things are so unlikely to be bad that aside from practical experience and getting more familiar with how things feel WITHOUT lumps in them, it is not likely to help me find anything where the splotch is, but it sure helps me out psychologically . . . so I'll take it.  Knowing more just . . . I don't know, it helps.  I think sometimes too much info can be too much, but at this point, I'm glad I thought to ask things that make ME feel more in control, even if that control is an illusion . . .

Gee, I may be talking myself into a hole about this; I'm already poorly enough off in so many other ways, emotionally, right now.  Well, at least I can feel good about having gone and dealt with this, which I really hadn't wanted to do . . .

Unsafe

Well, I'm not safe.

Lability is uncomfortably high (I hope I'm using the term correctly).  My state of mind, my emotional perspective, keeps shifting so much that any decision I make, even fully believing and commiting to it, I can be doing just the opposite five minutes later (or half an hour, hour, etc.).  The place from which I am interacting with the world from, feels as though it's on a mess of shifting tides and currents.

Part of me thinks, well, isn't this just weakness of character, not being able to stick to anything or operate from a stable state of self or being or mind or whatever?  That word, stable, though, is part of the key.  The whole shifting currents thing, is another.  I'm NOT STABLE right now; I'd not call myself UNstable in a crazy, psychotic way, but  . .. well, basically what I've described above.

It is tempting to fall into the trap of thinking, hey, since I'm seeing this problem, and acknowledging it, doesn't that mean I'm functioning well enough to be or feel safe?  I've fallen into that trap before.  While identifying this stuff, prioritizing it, taking some actions with it, etc. are positive and functional, healthy things, the very nature of being so . . . well, volatile isn't quite the right word, I'm not going to lash out in an extreme way (although I guess suicide and other things actually are pretty extreme) at anyone else (hrm, I've been highly irritable and rather snappish, which I've been not pleased to have acted out as much as has been, the last few days; it has been uncharacteristically frequent and drop of the hat.)  I've been quite reactive and on a short fuse, not even necessarily being aware of having a short fuse, until I snap at my husband.

I've been irritable and snappish before, without the high lability; mixed states suck.  There is more here than just that, although mania and depression certainly make matters rather worse . . . 

I have therapy tomorrow, and I don't know if my psychologist will recommend the hospital.  We've already taken some familiar and not so familiar steps, around here.  Any excess medication my husband has hidden.  A step taken once before, for a time, that I've asked of him again, is to not leave me alone at home for three hour+ stretches.  Two hours feels like it'd be kind of rushed for anything extreme, but that may be because I'm particular.  I hate to scare him like this, but on the other hand it feels the responsible thing to do.

So, he may need to stay home from church on Sunday.  This would carry us to next Wednesday, when I'll be home alone for most of the rest of the week.  If I am still highly changeable/feel like my behavior could turn 180 in the blink of an eye/feel like my mania or mixed state or whatnot is pushing me to danger, then we'll have to probably hospitalize me or figure something else out.  I am REALLY hoping that I'm not like this, then.  It usually has only ever lasted a few days, 3 or 4 tops, but I had this a week to 10 days ago for 4 days or so, and now again and it's just rather scary.

I dunno, maybe I'm a wuss and not taking responsibility, when I say that I can't seem to be able to say that what I decide right now will be the place from whence I could reasonably still be operating an hour from now, etc.

The pull to reckless and harmful, serious things of a variety of types is strong, although I am currently fighting them.  Some things you can't come back from, and some you maybe  shouldn't (okay, definitely stuff to bring it up tomorrow in therapy.)

Edit:  This talk of lability, and danger, and unsafeness, and my assessments thereof, are based mainly on how my psychologist has assessed me most recently last week when discussing the same kinds of things, as well as in the past, the few other times that it has been this bad (all since early 2012, really).  Things I'm saying here are based on concerns he's discussed with me about my safety and stability and such when I'm in this/these states, having experiences as I've been this week and being all over the place, and stuff.  My safety has been a major issue and concern to him, in many of the ways I posted about here, and some things I haven't posted.

Edit:  Also, I do have upcoming appointments with my psychiatrist, later this month and then in August as well, since my urologist cleared me for going back on psych meds/back to the psychiatrist (I know one doesn't necessarily mean the other but he has pronounced my kidneys fine, after a CT and a cessation of the most distressing symptoms . . well, I may need to check one more thing with him, but he did clear me.)  Still, I may be contacting her sooner, by email I guess, if my psychologist thinks I need to go to the hospital.  Maybe her emergency nmber would be better, I don't know?  I' ve left a message on there before.

When Your Doctors Don't Believe You

When your doctors don't believe you, you feel like you need to prove your problem/theory/what-have-you, if it is provable.

In my case, the Lamictal IS affecting my urinary system.

So the not brief but explained as briefly as possible history/experiences that I explained to all three doctors in September about these issues, WAS relevant, and I don't have to think of myself as a rambly, irrelevant person.

You see, I do ramble and/or am irrelevant at a variety of times to some degree or another.  BUT, I try to not do that at the doctor's office.

See, when I went and saw my GP a week after the Instacare guy prescribed oxybutynin, I did mention the bladder, urethra, and kidney discomfort/pain.  My GP said to keep taking it (because I'd laid out brieflly what happened after I stepped down off Lamictal, last year, unsupervised; it was what I consider to be likely a textbook case of how epically bad stopping a mood stabilizer on one's own can be.)

So, I kept taking the oxybutynin and the Lamictal. However, over the last three months the abdominal and sometimes side/back kidney pain had been becoming more frequent and too common.  The bleeding had gone away, the bladder was somewhat calmed down (although not like last March), but it still seemed to be over-producing as well as could only go about 4 hours, so it was still getting me up at night.  (Also becoming harder to sleep with the pain and discomfort).

The worries about it and the physical interference with good sleep are two factors in why I think the mania has been breaking out more the last few months.  The other factor would most often be stress from a juvenile court case in which I faced speaking in court, and other things (It's about the victim, not me, but since I'm not going to expose her on here, I'll risk sounding like it's all about me.)

These things all acted to marginalize the effectiveness of the 150mg Lamictal that I've been taking.

A week ago, it was getting so bad I wanted to go to my pyschiatrist, with proof, so I'd be believed.  Plus, I wanted it to stop.  So I cut my dose in half for a few days.

I did not expect such a quick or significant difference, figuring the urinary tract had been so abused for so long it'd need time to heal.  Within a DAY a significant amount of pain and discomfort was gone.

I knew that cutting the dose in half wasn't the wisest idea, so after a couple days I went back up, but only to 100mg.  I couldn't bring myself to take 150 and be that badly off, again.  The pain and discomfort went back up within a day of bumping back up, though not as bad as it was at 150mg.

Proof, anyone?

Now, I did consider that my judgment may not be the best right now, what with all the mania and stuff.  Also, the last time I took myself off Lamictal, the end results were . . . bad.

Still, this time it will be in partnership with my psychiatrist (as soon as I email her later tomorrow).  If she says to keep taking it, which I highly doubt, I'll do it until we meet and can figure something else out.  However, I hesitate to keep taking it for longer than needed to step down off it, because after so much abuse to my bladder and kidneys, what's the risk of permanent damage?

So, yes I took medical matters in my hands, but I didn't intend to do it for long, and as well the doctors didn't believe me before anyway.  Just because my psychiatrist said that this isn't a side effect of Lamictal, doesn't mean in my opinion that it can't EVER be; it's not a KNOWN side effect, perhaps.  Also, there are statistical outliers, people for whom their bodies' response to medications can or does fall way outside the reasonably or even rarely expected effects.

It's happened to me before, and now again.

I am regretful and a bit fearful that there is one less med between me and the mania; however, I'm on some Seroquel, which I wasn't last year, and I've handled twice as much as the current 150mg before, I think even over that to 400mg.  It was eventually stopped because at the time it was being used for depression, and didn't do much for that.  I can tell it's helping stabilize mood a bit, now, though.

Now, I actually don't think the doctors were wrong in what they considered and what that led them to recommend, AT THAT TIME (although they were still wrong, then, about the bladder/lamictal thing.)  There were several seemingly medically reasonable (to me) reasons to suggest going forward as the doctors had said with the Lamictal and the oxybutynin.  I'm glad I did things their way for long enough to know that not following orders wasn't what was going on.

My GP considered things with his knowledge, but also deferred to my psychiatrist as, I think, was proper to do given the risk of possible death if I stopped the mood stabilizer, since if I even THOUGHT I might start down the bad path from earlier this year again, I wouldn't be able to live with myself.  My psychiatrist, of the three doctors, gave me the best impression that she was weighing the pros and con of a medication that was possibly (though not likely as she did tell me Lamictal doesn't do that) harmful, against the pros and cons of stopping that medication.  She investigated anew with me how effective I felt the Lamictal was, and such, and I appreciated her doing that; it helped me feel that my experiences would all be a part of what she decided.  She said for me to keep taking the Lamictal, and I did, though reluctantly, because I'd been so tired of the bladder problems.

Knowing for sure, now, it IS relieving to know that something hopefuly fixable (after this long, has there been permanent damage?) is behind the kidneys/bladder.

I don't know that anyone necessarily cares about all this, but I don't know what audience I have in mind or think I have with this blog, so I'm all over the place with what I post and don't post.

And The Walls Came Tumblin' Down

Well, that's what it feels like. 

The window in our bedroom started cracking in the wood frame that holds it in the wall; plaster cracked and water came out, and eventually wet wood sawdust bits . . . the wall is sunk in and soft in the lower corners.  There's a hole in the siding just outside.

So, what does my landlord want to do?  Bring in dirt and slope the grade away from the window; it's become sloped toward the window.  He'll plaster up inside as well.

He says he has many decades of construction experience, and simply regrading should do it.  I hope so . . . the window is also sending a crack upwards in the wall above it, as it settles on its softened lower wood frame area.  Yeah, he's taking care of it alright.

Okay, so not long after that (and it's still not fixed, the window), I'm in the bathroom, and it starts raining on my head.  I hoped it wasn't toilet water; it wasn't, but it was kitchen and bathroom sink and laundry drain water . . . eww.  That one took them a couple days.

Now, a few weeks later, they are finally looking at fixing the ceiling above our toilet.

Also, around the same time, I pushed a hole in the wall by the toilet, as I have to brace myself lowering onto the commode.  Well, I suppose I could do without, but it's MUCH more painful that way.  This time instead of spreading out my hand flat, I used the heel of my hand.

Oops.

Okay, so now last night, the people upstairs are showering, and the drain in our furnace/water heater closet bubbles up and leaks into the carpet in nearby closet, bedroom, and hallway.  We use towels and a fan.  This morning, they start to shower and BAM!  Soaking wet all over again.

UGH!  I'm afraid of mildew if this doesn't get dry by tonight; we only have one fan, as we pulled our box fan out and it was dead.  So I just had to switch it to the hall which has had no fan on it at all, although the other areas are still quite dam (edit: Freudian typo? heh).  The hall is still WET, though.  Too bad we don't have a steam cleaner to soak some stuff up; maybe I can find someone to borrow one.

They just came and are gonna snake a thing down through the system.

My daughter is completely out of sorts with all this, afraid that we'll have to move, afraid of everything breaking, and stuff.  I completely understand.

I am so tired of problems, especially water problems.  PEACE and security would be nice.  Not frequently feeling like we're in crisis mode dealing with problems would be nice.

Off to wash and dry yet another batch of towels.

What a Not So Beautiful Mess . . .

To riff off of a Diamond Rio song title . . .

I'm being brave in posting this. I want to track my progress on organizing this, although the rest of the house is a mess too (mostly not as bad, but this is BAD, so that's not saying much).

This is the master bedroom in our apartment. Much of the mess is craft items, information, patterns, and publications. There's a big variety of crafts and materials: Beading/jewelry making (including chain maille jewelry), knitting, crochet, spinning, and weaving (that's a four-shaft table loom under a makeshift dustcover), Rubber stamping, scrapbooking, and a variety of paper crafts, with a variety of die-cutting stuff (including a Cricut, a . . . robotic die cutter, if you will, for those who aren't familiar with this stuff), and a big wooden rotating tower of ink pads, reinkers, ink pens, and other things.

I have fabric in various places in the room, handed down from my mom when she was clearing it all out; I have no sewing machine though except a tiny one designed for stitching in scrapbooks and on other paper crafting projects. The fabric has come in handy for a variety of my daughter's school projects, though. I've even saved jeans she's outgrown, and jeans of mine as well, for a variety of recycled/upcycled craft projects. It's a good thing I saved some of my jeans that I'd lost too much weight for, because I gained the weight back and needed them. Lol. I'm working on losing weight again, though.

I have a couple drawers of adhesives, from a Xyron laminator/magnet maker/adhesive applier, foam tape, masking tape, double sided tape, photo corners, glaze-type glues, rubber cement, tacky glues, post it note glue, glue for metals, and a whole host of other adhesives for different purposes, materials, etc.

The thing about all these crafts, is, the last two years mostly doesn't count for me not touching them much, due to a year and a half of surgical recovery; with all the pain knitting simple garter stitch was the most I could handle, and I've picked it up now and again. Also, the last two years my husband's been either out of work, or at two couple months long temporary jobs . . . with jewelry making, buying the findings like jump rings, crimps, clasps, bails, etc. can add up, and so as with some of the other crafts, running out of consumables has limited those.

Also, I suffer from a variety of mental illnesses, disorders, etc. You'd think an OCD person's bedroom would look neat, but then there's ADD, bipolar with lots of depression, etc. and everything's overwhelming. These issues also lead to a lack of desire to do anything, including favorite interests and hobbies. My therapist has recommended I not ditch everything, since once (or if, in my mind) my depression improves I'll regret having gotten rid of everything.

SO. With that in mind, I'm analysing how often I've used stuff, over the last 6 years or so, and factors affecting that, in order to help with what to ditch and what to keep. The last couple years it's been mostly knit, with a little crochet and a moderate amount of weaving. A little spinning, too. The couple years before that, there were sporadic bursts of rubber stamping (often related to mania, but not always), mixed with alot of knitting and the like. Also alot of beading/jewelry making during that period. The couple years before that, was when I started the jewelry stuff, as well as the knitting/crochet/tiny bit of spinning. Scattered Rubber Stamping as well, with a year of digital scrapbooking. It's been longer since physical scrapbooking, but that's mostly due to organizational issues (ie, I can't find my stuff) as well as some money factors (do you know how much the scrapbooking and stamping industries make? It's ridiculous. TOO many commercial products, I think a simpler, less expensive approach will suit me better.

Still, at some point when you're in an apartment, you can't just leave all that space being taken up by stuff you don't use . . . I need to figure out where to draw the lines. It's gonna be hard.

I can do it, though, one step at a time. I have a budget of $200-$250, from birthday and special occasion money I've saved up for awhile. That doesn't seem like much compared to all the stuff in there; some small portion of which needs to go in other rooms.

There's SO MUCH organizing info out there, though, that it's overwhelming. I'm starting with a blog or two, like http://iheartorganizing.blogspot.com/, which has some great ideas and showcases a variety of organizing products, ESPECIALLY in use, so I can get an idea of what may and may not work for me.

Wish me luck? And also, that I don't get so overwhelmed I just quit.

No judging my mess. I should have an apron that says that . . . lol.

Next post on this project will be the list of stuff that I've come up with that needs doing in there. Although, with the rest of the house being a mess too, I'm not sure what I'll do with the stuff that gets kept but goes in another room, before I've cleaned and organized the room it goes in so there's a place for it . . . . it's like a Mobius strip. Or MC Escher stairs.

Updating the Blog When You Have OCD

I spent 4 hours updating the blog today, and several the other day starting to add tags/categories to posts.

The thing is, I look at the Category Cloud and I can see a couple I can get rid of, which is good, but then the urge to add more as I categorize further back is hard to resist.  It's kind of frustrating and a little embarassing.

Much of the time spent today on the sidebar widgets, was spent super-fine tuning the size or the details like the order the books are shown in, their size, etc.  I think I spent two hours alone on the boardgamegeek widget, although that one required more primitive-level tweaking in the code itself.

It's going to take me some time to add categories to older posts; hopefully I can do just a few at a time, and not feel compelled to do a year's worth in one sitting . . .

My OCD is acting up, partly because I've been taking my Vyvanse, that lets it come out a bit more when I'm more active, and I'm under a huge amount of stress.

 

Break With Reality

Eeep.

I was laying/lying? in bed a few minutes ago, when it occurred to me that something I thought over the weekend, and took action on, WASN'T REAL.

It's a minor thing that doesn't have much to do with anything, except the fact that I believed something that wasn't real, and I acted on it! AND, it took me several days to realize this!

Also, it's not caused by medications, I wouldn't think, like the only other time this has happened (but then, I'd realize in 10-30 mins that something wasn't real).

See, I am facing the consequences of some stupid bipolar-influenced decisions lately (doesn't excuse it, perhaps helps explain it) and yesterday I laid in bed and only got up at 8pm, because I didn't want to and/or felt like I couldn't, cope with the reality of my life that I face now. Now I'm freaked because apparently my mind already decided this last week . . .

What I've done is so bad, is so far from my core values, and who I want to be, that maybe my mind just can't cope with the disparity between what I've done and what I value, who I thought I was?

Regardless of that, I'm thinking my psychologist in an hour when I see him will want me in the hospital, and if he does, I'm not going to fight it. I've fought it before, on suicidal issues, but to me, losing one's mind, believing things that aren't real . . . well how could I trust my actions, decisions, thoughts, feelings, judgement, anything, if any, some, or all of these could be based on unreal things? I can't trust my judgment to say I know better than my psychologist and refuse to go to the hospital. I recognize that if I'm thinking things that aren't real, my judgment isn't reliable, even if me saying so at least it implies it's reliable IN THIS MOMENT. I don't know that I can trust that it will be reliable over the course of any particular pariod of time.

So. I really don't want any part of this, but it seems I don't have a choice; I'm not CHOOSING to believe things that aren't real, it just happened.

I'm scared.

Is there part of me that hopes this unreal stuff might have contributed to the bad decisions I made? Sure! That would make me less of a bad person. I can't THINK of anything involved right now that doesn't feel real, but then how would I know if my mind was still believing unreal stuff? Still, I'm thinking it didn't play a part. I take full responsibility for what I did. I think it's understandable that I'd want this unreal thing to be a part of it, but I'm not going to rest on that.

Anyway, don't know if or when they're going to hospitalize me and I certainly don't WANT it but I recognize if my mind is . . . losing touch with reality . . . that it me be objectively what is best. Ugh. Never thought I'd say THAT last.

I may have my husband post comments on this post, possibly as me or whatever's easiest, with him saying it's him, and how I'm doing, in case anyone cares, from time to time, that I relay to him from within the hospital.

Then again, maybe I WON'T end up in the hospital, who knows.

About My Psychiatrist/Patient Relationship

My last appointment was almost two weeks ago, with the psychiatrist.

She's decided to keep me on 150mg Lamictal, though I told her I wasn't sure how effective it was. She said I need to modify my behavior, implying that I'm expecting the medication to take care of the problem.

You know, I can understand that and that's fine, I work hard on modifying my behavior anyway even if it often seems to be futile and frustrating.

The thing is, when I came back to her last November after not seeing her since July, and told her about my mania and the most troubling behavioral symptoms of it, she was all, "OH! We need to get you on some medication right away so you don't ruin your life!"

So, I feel like she's being a bit of a hypocrite; actually, what she's telling me now with, "Oh, modify your behavior," it seems the exact opposite of what she told me last November!!!

Now, regardless of whether a behavior is influenced by or triggered by my mania, I believe a person should work as hard as they can to modify/change that behavior. BUT . . . when the mania is pushing you, urging you, sometimes overwhelming you . . . . that makes it so difficult it feels impossible at times to just manage it yourself.

Another thing: If I only engage in the behavior when I'm manic, whilst other times I have enough self-control to keep from engaging in the behavior, as well as at these other non-manic times I don't have any desire or wish to engage in the behavior, well that to me says there's a biological factor influenceing and/or triggering the behavior. Meaning in order for me to deal with this, medication would be more than helpful.

I am frustrated though that so many medications have not worked out for me, but I can remember how moderately well the Risperdal worked, as opposed to how moderately poorly the Lamictal is working at 150mg. When I was on 200mg Lamictal, it felt like it was closer to the effectiveness of the Risperdal, but I can't go that high on Lamictal. We had actually been shooting for 300mg even.

I'd say the Lamictal is taking about 24% to 30% off the edge of my mania, while the Risperdal was more like roughly 55% or so. This is academic however since I can't go back on Risperdal.

I am also rather afraid of Lithium, given its high side effect profile (not sure if I'm phrasing that right.)

I think besides Lithium and Zyprexa, the only other medication might be Seroquel, which we tried last year for depression and it didn't work well for that; I wonder how it would do for the mania, though. We stopped the Seroquel (it was 300-400mg, I forget) about two months before the mania hit big-time. I will NOT take Zyprexa, after the Depakote caused me to gain weight; I can't deal with the diabetes risk. I've heard that PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) is a pre-diabetic condition anyway, but I have no idea.

As far as I know, we've run through almost all of the bipolar medication options. Then again, I don't know much lol.

I'm frustrated with my psychiatrist for acting like a hypocrite though. I do realize that 25% to 30% off my mania is better than nothing. I did not put it in terms of a percentage to her, however, I just came up with that as I was writing this post.

Another frustration is that I'd heard Lamictal and birth control pills can affect each other; I've heard that either one makes the other less effective, or that both make each other less effective.

So I asked her, and she said that, if anything, the Lamictal makes the birth control less effective (I had mostly heard it was the other way around.) So I had my husband ask the pharmacist when he went to pick up my pills, and he confirmed what my psychiatrist said.

This angers me, because neither the pharmacist nor the psychiatrist told me of this side effect with potentially huge consequences. Granted, I wasn't on the birth control pills when I started the Lamictal, but when I did start the birth control pills, I emailed the psychiatrist, as well as discussed them and the reasons for them as opposed to the permanent solution to birth control I am working on getting comfortable with. So during this whole discussion about my fertility and deciding to end it, and why I'm taking birth control pills instead of doing something else right now, she never mentioned this important side effect. And neither did the pharmacist, though I thought drug interactions were part of their main concern.

I know no one is perfect, though. It just could have huge consequences . . . . this is the first time I feel my psychiatrist has not been on the ball, really sharp mentally, extremely knowledgeable, about medications and the issues related to them. So she can't remember everything, all the time, I'm telling myself, trying to not expect perfectiong. Still, of all the side effects to forget, this one is a doozy.

I REALLY don't want to do something permanent to my body, ie, the uterine ablation or whatever it's called when they freeze the lining in there, until I'm comfortable with it, until I've come to terms with how I feel about ending my fertility (what little there might be with PCOS).

I'm also frustrated with my psychiatrist for not wanting to deal with my depression; we haven't tried anything for it since the Seroquel last year. Perhaps she wanted to get the mania under control, first, but it seems she's decided it's as under control as it's going to be . . . so why not address the depression?

I think there may be a couple of reasons for that. One, anti-depressants can set off mania, and we don't want to make that worse. Two, her practice has been getting busier and busier; it was six weeks between the last two appointments, and now it's two months until the next one. While I'm kinda happy not to see her as soon, on the other hand I wonder if she's getting too busy. Although it could be that since she feels I'm as good as I can be on the Lamictal, she wants it to float that way for awhile, and see in two months how I am . . .

I keep reading back and seeing I say, I think she may have these reasons, or she may feel this way, etc., and I wince, because shouldn't she and I be DISCUSSING these things? Then again I AM afraid of her, and we've discussed what I've thought of to discuss in recent appointments; it's been less of her forced "Let's talk about whatever comes out of your mouth first" contrived technique.

Do I think my fear of her may be part of the reason I "forget" important stuff to talk about? Perhaps. I'm certainly not gonna be near as critical of her in appointment as I am on this blog. There's a difference between being critical and asking genuine questions that may sound as if I'm questioning her reasons for what she's prescribing and why; I can see why I might be afraid to ask her such questions, but in a good doctor/patient relationship the doctor should feel or act threatened by a patient wondering about these things. Our relationship is not a good one, however, and after typing this post which is helping me think through these issues, I wonder how harmful to my health IS this doctor/patient relationship becoming, if I can't ask her the questions I feel are necessary for the best care . . . .