Or:
No pain, no gain.
That's a little black and white, but since running from pain is what I do best, learning to just sit with my pain, heck, learning to recognize when what I'm doing is a defense or running from pain, is pretty much where I'm at alot of the time. Yes, even after all these years of therapy. I was sooo un-self-aware back then, and therapy's helped me alot through the years, subjective though my opinion might be.
So, to improve in areas where you social anxiety bell starts ringing, you need to at least approach that bell and face some of your fear, and learn that you can deal with that situation, without retreating, in order to make gains in that area.
Sounds so simple, doesn't it?
When spelled out intellectually like that, it does, but feeling it is quite intense and often difficult. Still, I've gained some sense of efficacy in some areas I needed improvement in; oh, how many more there are!
A month ago, when my husband started physical therapy after his arthroscopic shoulder surgery, I went with him and saw the therapist who'd been my physical therapist several years ago. He's the owner of the place, so quite capable (or seemed so to me).
He asked after my recovery, and was unpleasantly surprised/startled to find that my total knee replacement recoveries have turned out so poorly. He kind of quietly threw out there that perhaps some strengthening, exercises and such, could do improve things quite a bit, if not solve the problems entirely. He expressed his sadness that I was in such lasting pain and again seemed to think that improving strength would help.
I found myself out of sorts after hearing this, and as I lay in bed that night I realized, "He's saying that I don't have to be in pain; that there is something I can DO about it." I felt anger, because how does he know I haven't worked hard? I have. I felt frustrated, that he would just assume that something COULD be done, because I've had to come to terms with being in pain alot. I felt anger that he was dangling no or less pain in front of me, if only I would CHOOSE it, the implication being that if there was something I could do to improve my situation and I didn't, then I was CHOOSING to be in pain (or at least, in as much pain as I am). I did realize eventually however that most of this was how I felt upon hearing or pondering what hea said, and wasn't necessarily what he said, or meant.
I chose, last week, to get over myself and have my husband ask him what I could do (the holiday being kind of nuts, I couldn't make it to many of his physical therapy appointments, although I could have done better than I did). Why let pride stand in the way of possible improvement?
What the physical therapist suggested is standing up and down out of a chair, like I used to do at physical therapy and at home during recovery, using legs only no pushing up on the arms of the chair with my hands, etc. He also said I can use a pillow in the chair if I can't stand up without using my arms without it. To that I thought, "What, does he think i'm THAT weak?" I can actually stand up from a crouch now, and it was less than a year ago when I couldn't do that; I'd gotten in a crouch and was stuck (it felt like I had no way to make myself fall over either, weird as that sounds, so I could get up from there, so I felt trapped and feared getting in a crouch again).
However, a week or two ago I crouched without thinking about it, and got out of it myself (with agonizing pain, naturally, but still I did it.)
So, I'm going to start doing three sets of 10 of these, several times a day, with a day off in between here and there, as when you are strength training I know the muscles sometimes need time to build back up. Or something.
I've got an office-style chair that I can and do usually keep set really low.
The thing is, standing up without any assistance from my arms, or from setting my legs farther apart, has the pain hitting a level 7 during the whole muscle-pushing process. Level 7 is alot. So, to stand there and do it ten times in a row, rest for a minute or two, do ten more, rest, and 10 more . . . well, that's alot of pain.
Still, I don't, I really don't, want to let pride or complacency get in the way of possible improvement, so an extra heaping of pain it is, and I'll note down every two weeks how my pain is, of differing types in my legs, and do this for three months at minimum.
I'm not optimistic, but I guess we'll see. If there's only a minor improvement, is that enough given that I'd likely have to keep up with some level of strength-boosting/painful activity to retain this improvement? It depends on how much, if any, improvement we see.
**
On another note I don't think messing w/meds is a good idea. I'm actually desperate to have higher Lamictal to be a barrier between me and aspects of my mania that I had forgotten how they felt, partly because I couldn't understand how I could feel that way and still be me; however, I am starting to be reminded. I was going to go back up on Lamictal but just upping it a little, made the urinary system a touch worse, enough so that I just cannot make myself go back up; it'd be like having to use a hammer to squash a bug on my hand - I can't make myself do it.
I really, really don't want to get off the med, but I really, really can't live with the developed side effects either. Just, this isn't me not wanting meds, I tried to make it work for a long time. There's practically no choices left, of mood stabilizer (lithium has such a high side effect profile? is it? that I'd really like to let my kidneys and bladder heal up and have some time where I'm not constantly worried about my health and side effects; however, the mania isn't just going to go hide under a rock. Ugh.)
Recent Comments